Devil You Know Read online

  I did a little research on the army and basic training, so I could imagine you and what you’re doing. I know my imagination doesn’t hold a candle to the challenges you’ll be facing, but know that I am with you every step of the way. And when the time comes when you’re deployed, know that there are people at home thinking about you, praying for you, loving you.

  You asked me if I would follow you when you were re-stationed or would I wait by the phone when you’re deployed to hear if you were coming home? YES and YES. Anywhere you lead, I’ll follow.

  Wherever you are, the places you go, the horrors you’ll see, the people you’ll befriend, please remember me…remember the girl with the crazy hair who is thinking about you every day. You’re not alone, Damian. You’ll never be alone again and you are loved...so much.

  Please be safe, be happy and until I can see you again know my heart is with you because you own it.

  Love always,

  Thea

  My chest ached and there was a burning behind my eyes. I reached into my pocket for the photograph Cam had given me the day I left, the picture of Thea that had changed my life. I touched her face and was grateful the barracks was empty because I did something I had never in my life done…I cried.

  One day we would pick up where we left off.

  Six months had passed since Damian left. I put on the brave face, but I hurt inside. I missed him and I worried about him. He never responded to my letter, I hadn’t expected him to and yet I wanted him to. I knew we were doing the right thing and yet a part of me thought we had been stupid to not have held on with both hands. I would never be the same, he had changed me in a good way, but I also knew I had to let him go.

  “Thea?”

  Anton handed me a cup of tea. Since the day Damian left, Anton had become a fixture in my life. Damian brought us together, both of us dealing with the loss of him. We were kindred spirits even if we were the oddest couple, the daughter of a cop and a gangster, and yet he grew to be as close to me as a sibling.

  We were at Anton’s place, something I found I did often since Damian left. Most days we were in his game room, he had several eighties arcade games with no quarters required. I found joy in kicking his ass at Pac-Man.

  “Cam is coming home this weekend,” I said.

  He settled next to me on the sofa. “We should do something.”

  “Yeah…oh and Mom invited you to dinner on Saturday.”

  Dad didn’t have an issue with a man of Anton’s reputation sharing a meal at his table. I suspected that was because Dad could see beneath the polished man to the damaged soul. Anton had demons, but he had learned to control them.

  “I would like that.”

  “I’ll invite my roommate to join us.”

  Anton grinned at the mentioning of my roommate. Kimber Green was vivacious and fun and the one who forced me out of the dorm, forced me to get involved and to interact. She knew about Damian, we had many tearful nights talking about him, but like a good friend she helped me to pick myself up, shake myself off and live.

  Our first meeting, she was hanging an afghan over her bed while listening to Bob Marley. She looked like a supermodel, with her platinum blonde hair and tall thin build. She grew up in New Jersey; her mom was a teacher and her dad a pharmacist. She was a hoot and a lifeline for me. And now we were inseparable.

  “Cam will no doubt enjoy meeting her.”

  “Hands off policy applies to him too.” My roommate was seriously sexy, but I wasn’t losing her over a fling, and that was all Kimber had—flings.

  “Wise.” His tone turned serious when he asked, “How are you doing?”

  “I miss him. Every day, I miss him. I thought the ache would ease as time went on, but it hasn’t. I know why he left, I even agree with him, but I can’t help but wonder if he had had different parents, a different home life, would he have been so eager to go.”

  “Maybe not, but he wouldn’t be the Damian you know and love had his life been different.”

  “I suppose so. Still, his mother should rot in hell for what she did to him.”

  Anger dripped from his reply, “I absolutely agree with that. Are you hungry?”

  “I could eat something.”

  “I’ll order Chinese and then I’ll kick your ass in Pac-Man.”

  He had yet to beat me at Pac-Man, but I gave him credit for trying. And that was the mystery of Anton. Money gained through illegal means and yet he was also the same guy determined to make me smile even if that meant taking a beating at a game. It was the contradiction he posed and the kindness that was ingrained in him that drew me in and kept me there. A finer friend I would never find. And still, there was no chance in hell he was beating me at Pac-Man. “Bring it.”

  “You’re not wearing that are you?” Kimber was clearly not a fan of the jeans and sweater I had selected for our evening out with Cam and Anton.

  One of my sweaters used more fabric to make than all of Kimber’s clothes combined. She had the body to pull off sexy, but she was constantly trying to get me to dress that way too. Spandex was a privilege not a right.

  “Show some cleavage. What’s the harm?”

  “No thanks.”

  “Come on. At least wear my fuck me boots.”

  “Tempting.”

  “I’ll wear you down.”

  Not likely. She looked sexy in her clothes. I would look like a little kid pretending to be a hooker.

  “When are we meeting your brother?”

  Cam was at Northeastern studying criminal justice, but he was coming down for the weekend. We had never been apart for so long. I couldn’t wait to see him.

  “Seven.”

  “We better get a move on. We don’t want to be late.”

  Kimber was usually late. “Why the concern?”

  “He’s your brother, the guy version of you. I’m thinking hot as hell.”

  “No. I told you. My brother is off limits. I’m not sharing you.”

  “I’m fabulous, but I don’t date my friends’ brothers. Too complicated. But that doesn’t mean I can’t look.”

  “You’re ridiculous.”

  She reached for my hand. “I’m doing my best, but you need your twin.” And this was why I loved her. She was a good soul.

  We beat Cam to the club, but when he arrived I launched myself at him.

  He held me close. “Good to see you too, sis.”

  When Cam stepped back, he offered his hand to Anton. “Anton. How are you?”

  “Good. How’s Northeastern?”

  “It’s a lot more quiet and things move at a slower pace, but I like it.”

  Kimber’s hand shot out to Cam. “Hi. I’m Kimber, her roommate.”

  I knew that smile of Cam’s. Appreciation. His hand closed around hers. “It’s very nice to meet you.”

  Kimber batted her lashes at him. She was flirting, it was in her nature to flirt with every specimen of the opposite sex, but seeing her doing so with my brother was just plain weird.

  Kimber linked her arm with Anton. I once thought sparks would have flown between these two, but it was affection and nothing more. “Buy me a drink, handsome?”

  “Absolutely.”

  Cam dropped his arm over my shoulders as we followed the others. “Your roommate is hot.”

  “Hands off.”

  He pressed a kiss on my head. “Fine. Hands off. How are you doing?”

  “Okay.”

  “Have you heard from Damian?”

  “No. He asked me not to contact him.”

  Cam’s jaw clenched. “He is so fucking pigheaded.”

  Damian was pigheaded and stubborn.

  “Next time he’s home let’s set Mom on him. He won’t stand a chance.”

  I hadn’t thought of that. Rosalie Ahern was a force of nature. She could bend you to her will and have you smiling the whole time.

  “Good idea. So how’s school really?”

  “A little lonely. I miss you, Mom and Dad, but I love my classes
.”

  “So you’re really going to do it, follow in Dad’s footsteps.”

  “Big shoes to fill, but yeah.”

  “That makes me nervous, having two cops in the family, but you’re so much like Dad. You’re going to rock at being a cop.”

  He pulled me closer. “Thanks, sis. I think so too.”

  It was hard work, every second of every day was consumed with rigorous training and I thrived on it—the discipline, the purpose, the feeling of being connected to something so much bigger than me. I had not yet been deployed, was in the middle of Ranger training. My hope was to eventually try for the Green Berets once I met the requirements. Joining the army was the right decision, absolutely, but I missed Thea, every second. I wanted her in my life, couldn’t imagine a lifetime feeling the emptiness I felt inside. When she finished school, she and I needed to have a long talk. She had said wherever I led she’d follow. I was calling in that promise.

  “Damian, there’s a call at the communications barracks for you.”

  It was either Cam or Anton. They were the only ones who called. It hurt that Thea didn’t, but she was just respecting my wishes. Besides, she tried to stay in touch; I was the one who made the conscious decision to not write her back. My logic was simple. I wanted her; she was the only one who could pull me off track. But if I didn’t make something of myself, what did I have to offer her? That didn’t mean I didn’t ask about her, but I kept even that in check…longing was a fucking unpleasant feeling.

  The private working the room stepped out to give me some privacy.

  “Damian.”

  “Hey, man. It’s Anton.”

  “Hey.”

  “Congrats on making it into the Ranger program.”

  “Thanks.”

  He sounded off, worried or upset, and thinking it was related to Thea, I was abrupt when I said, “What’s wrong? Is it Thea?”

  “No. She’s good.”

  The tightness in my chest eased.

  “I’m calling because your mother is dead.”

  My first reaction to that was…finally. Followed quickly with fucking finally. I felt absolutely nothing for her. All those poets had it wrong. Love could fade…it could die. I had loved my mom when I was a little boy, but as a man I felt absolutely nothing.

  “She’s at the morgue and Mr. Ahern wanted to know what you wanted us to do with her remains?”

  “Where did she die?”

  “The house. The neighbors complained of a smell. The cops found her. She’d been dead a while.”

  Fitting. That place was like her tomb. She died the day my dad walked out. “You should have left her in the house and burned it down around her.”

  “That’s what I thought, but I wanted to make sure.”

  I was wrong. I did feel something, I felt relief and hope that when Thea and I finally got together there would be no obstacles, no fucking skeletons in my closet. And that made me all the more determined to make myself good enough for her…worthy of her. “I don’t care what you do with her. Give her body to a local med school or cremate her and drop her ashes in a landfill. I owe that woman nothing.”

  “I’ll take care of it.”

  I went with Anton and Dad to identify Damian’s mother’s body. She was going to Hart’s Island, to be buried with the countless other unclaimed bodies in the city. Anton was talking to the medical examiner while Dad filled out the papers. I looked at the woman who had given birth to the love of my life. A lifetime of hard living and the decay of death had turned her into a truly horrid image. Her physical appearance now mirrored her character.

  “He’s loved, every part of him, deeply and completely. You didn’t break him, you damaged him and you hurt him, but you didn’t break him. He has family, friends, love and he will be remembered, unlike you.”

  Anton joined me, reaching for my hand. I felt his anger. It matched my own. “She didn’t deserve him.”

  “No, she didn’t.”

  “It might make me a monster, but I’m glad she can’t hurt him anymore.”

  “Then I’m a monster too.” He squeezed my hand. “Are you done?”

  I looked one last time at her, but I offered no prayer…she didn’t deserve it. “Yeah. I’m done here.”

  It was Thanksgiving and Mom and I had been up for hours getting the turkey in the oven, preparing the sides and making the pies. Anton, Cam and Dad were watching the game while setting the table, though I suspected the table was being neglected.

  Mom had told me earlier in the week that she had a surprise for me, so my heart moved into my throat when I heard the knock at the door.

  “Are we expecting someone else?” I asked, though I already knew the answer. I pulled open the door to find Damian standing on our front stoop. It had been eighteen months so I didn’t immediately react because I wasn’t sure he was real. But imaginary or not, I soaked up the sight of him.

  Anton approached as Damian stepped inside. “Hey man, it’s so good to see you.” He and Damian hugged; a smile that was so rare for him lit up his face. Cam walked over and the male ritual repeated.

  He really was here. Now I couldn’t move because I was too overwhelmed with having what I most wanted standing within reaching distance.

  Mom hurried into the room, right to Damian. “I’m so glad you decided to come.”

  “I’m happy to be here.”

  I had missed that voice.

  “Son. Good to see you,” Dad said as they shook hands.

  Mom turned to me and smiled. “Surprise.”

  Those pale eyes settled on me. I moved right to him, pressing myself close as I buried my face in his chest. His arms wrapped tightly around me. How I had missed this—his body, his scent…him. This had been my favorite place to be and it was bittersweet to discover that it still was. I tilted my head back and he dipped his chin until our eyes met. “Hi.”

  A grin touched his beautiful lips as he remembered too. “Hi.”

  Mom’s voice was a bit bright when she said, “Dinner’s done. Let’s eat.”

  It was a tight fit getting us all around the table. I was sitting across from Damian and as conversation moved around the table I wasn’t really paying attention because I found myself looking through my lashes at him. Watching as he moved the food around his plate, the way he grinned when he thought something was funny, how even being right in the thick of everything he seemed to be alone. A few times when I glanced up at him he was staring back and I felt his stare in every part of my body, a searing right down to my bones that was unlike anything I’d ever felt except for whenever I was in his presence. I wanted to steal him away from the others, wanted him alone so I could ask what he had been up to and how he had been. But the fear that what had been between us wasn’t there anymore held me back, because if it had faded all the memories I clung to would fade.

  After dinner I was putting the serving platters back in the basement.

  “Thea.”

  I closed my eyes, loving the way my name rolled off his tongue. Wiping the expression from my face, I turned to him. “Hey.”

  “How’s school?”

  “Harder than I thought it would be, but I love all the design classes. What about you? Cam mentioned you were a Ranger. Congratulations.” I was happy for him, happy that he was finding his place, but it hurt too because he really was making a life in the military, and so the dream I held onto of picking up where we left off seemed more elusive than ever. “Is it what you needed it to be?”

  “Yes. It’s hard work, grueling, but it’s exactly what I needed.”

  “I’m happy to hear that.”

  “And you?”

  “I love school, love the friends I’ve made.”

  “But?”

  I never held back with him, I wasn’t going to start now. “But when I close my eyes, when I dream, it’s about you. That hasn’t changed. I don’t think it ever will.”

  There was so much emotion in his soft reply. “I dream of you too.”

&nb
sp; “You do?”

  “Every night.”

  I let his confession fill me up for a minute before I asked, “Are you still at Fort Benning?”

  “Yeah…” A strange look moved over his face before he added, “I’m heading overseas.”

  My whole body went numb. “Where?”

  “Afghanistan.”

  The blood drained from my face and I couldn’t stop my body from shaking in fear of what he would find when he got there. I hadn’t allowed myself to think about him in the thick of fighting. I had deluded myself with images of him training, not fighting.

  “When do you leave?”

  “Two days.”

  Two days. He was leaving in two days to head to a country ravaged by war, a place where he might never come back.

  Tears filled my eyes looking at him knowing it could be the last time I ever did. “You asked me to let you go and I’ve been trying, but I’m not ready for that. Oh God, I’m not ready for that.”

  We moved into each other at the same time for a kiss that was more than a kiss. Love and fear for him had tears welling in my eyes and rolling down my cheeks. He broke the kiss, but his expression when his big hands cradled my face and his thumbs brushed the tears away was one I would remember always. He curled his spine and kissed me again, deeper, his tongue exploring and tasting…remembering.

  My hands shook as I reached for the snap on his jeans.

  “Thea.” My name sounded more like a growl.

  “I need you.”

  “I don’t have a condom.”

  “I don’t care.”

  The sound he made was felt in every nerve in my body. His hand moved under my skirt, his fingers curling around the silk of panties before he lowered himself down my body. He kissed the inside of my thigh before he stood, lifted me and pressed me against the wall.

  “Are you sure?”

  “Please.”

  It wasn’t hard or fast when he joined us; it was deliberate and so beautiful feeling him skin to skin. My legs curled around his waist and my fingers dug into his shoulders. We didn’t kiss. It was so much more intimate to watch him as he watched me. He moved slowly at first, each shift of his hips causing immeasurable pleasure. In and out, the friction between my legs, his cock hitting my clit with each stroke started the tingles, the raising of the hair at the nape of my neck, the chills that caused my nipples to harden and my body to spasm. I slid my hands down his back to his ass as his thrusts increased, turning harder and faster. I ground into him as we climbed toward that edge. When I came, his hand covered my mouth to silence my scream and when he came he closed his eyes and lowered his head to my shoulder. For several long minutes after, we stayed wrapped around the other.